The world is round, my square don't fit at all...

I am not made for modern life.

After 23 years of struggling with what the fuck is up with me, i realise (in a completely non-egotistical way) that theres nothing wrong with me. Well maybe ...

I could do an entire book on the intricacies of myself. Seriously, at times i make Evil Knievel look entirely like a life choice rather than a death sentence. However i will be Honest, i am a bonafide 100% fuck-up. Sure i have my moments, them times where i am both tuned in and tuned out, but they are few and far between. Hell, at times i am practically approaching acceptiability with being involved socially with people. But, i fuck up, a lot.

Theres a beast, inside of me.

I can chat shit, maybe entertain some motherfuckers for a few hours... But really, i kinda view myself as a single spliff. Good whilst it lastes, an enjoyable hour or so, another 60 minutes of self-indulgent bullshit which somehow becomes a pleasant memory, but its out of the consciousness once the morning comes...

It ain't no Cash reference, i'm not that cool. Theres a self-destructive fire that i struggle to contain, i need either A) My band. B) A Good Brother (BFAM). C) A Good Woman. D) Family or E) Self-Destruction . Thats no specific order, but's its kinda my pyramid.

Don't get me wrong i have some amazing people who love me. I truly appreciate that they want me to be breathing air, connecting and enjoy their time with me. I am eternally grateful for them stoking my fun fire.

But still.

I belive i have a good idea of who i am, i may not acknowledge it, or act on it. But i fucking know it.

I have come to realise lately; maybe in my god-complex-like state (Jokes), that i ain't in the position i'm meant to be in. Where i wanna be, it ain't where i am at.

The world i am in, the world i am involved with, it's not what i want but its everything i desire at times.

I want the bullshit, the drama, the problems-that-ain't-really-problems, i love the "non-woman" woman problems dance. But why?

Maybe its the backs-against-the-wall-fight-for-survival instict inside, maybe its because i've been self-sufficient for 6 years...

Honestly though..

I don't get it, for a man that wants a simple and pure life ( pure in what i believe, nowt religious) how can i make it so complicated for myself?

But is it me? Or is it a World thats prefuckingdestined to never get me?

This ain't no call for help, this is just me saying i seriously don't get it.

Whatever i am meant to be, wherever i am meant to be at, i don't get it. I know this hole, this mis-understanding at the center of who i am needs to be sorted out. It does. There is something deep inside that i need to sort the fuck out so i can divulge from this path of self-destruction. It's the truth. Still though i think, if all i offer is a laugh, jokes, and some ridiculously good dancing at the worst of times, i am that bad?

Right now, right fucking now. I'm just a motherfucker stumbling through life from one high to the next envitable let-down.

I just hope my path is a right one.

"The world is round, my square don't fit at all..."

Word Joshua, Word Indeed...