The world is round, my square don't fit at all...

I am not made for modern life.

After 23 years of struggling with what the fuck is up with me, i realise (in a completely non-egotistical way) that theres nothing wrong with me. Well maybe ...

I could do an entire book on the intricacies of myself. Seriously, at times i make Evil Knievel look entirely like a life choice rather than a death sentence. However i will be Honest, i am a bonafide 100% fuck-up. Sure i have my moments, them times where i am both tuned in and tuned out, but they are few and far between. Hell, at times i am practically approaching acceptiability with being involved socially with people. But, i fuck up, a lot.

Theres a beast, inside of me.

I can chat shit, maybe entertain some motherfuckers for a few hours... But really, i kinda view myself as a single spliff. Good whilst it lastes, an enjoyable hour or so, another 60 minutes of self-indulgent bullshit which somehow becomes a pleasant memory, but its out of the consciousness once the morning comes...

It ain't no Cash reference, i'm not that cool. Theres a self-destructive fire that i struggle to contain, i need either A) My band. B) A Good Brother (BFAM). C) A Good Woman. D) Family or E) Self-Destruction . Thats no specific order, but's its kinda my pyramid.

Don't get me wrong i have some amazing people who love me. I truly appreciate that they want me to be breathing air, connecting and enjoy their time with me. I am eternally grateful for them stoking my fun fire.

But still.

I belive i have a good idea of who i am, i may not acknowledge it, or act on it. But i fucking know it.

I have come to realise lately; maybe in my god-complex-like state (Jokes), that i ain't in the position i'm meant to be in. Where i wanna be, it ain't where i am at.

The world i am in, the world i am involved with, it's not what i want but its everything i desire at times.

I want the bullshit, the drama, the problems-that-ain't-really-problems, i love the "non-woman" woman problems dance. But why?

Maybe its the backs-against-the-wall-fight-for-survival instict inside, maybe its because i've been self-sufficient for 6 years...

Honestly though..

I don't get it, for a man that wants a simple and pure life ( pure in what i believe, nowt religious) how can i make it so complicated for myself?

But is it me? Or is it a World thats prefuckingdestined to never get me?

This ain't no call for help, this is just me saying i seriously don't get it.

Whatever i am meant to be, wherever i am meant to be at, i don't get it. I know this hole, this mis-understanding at the center of who i am needs to be sorted out. It does. There is something deep inside that i need to sort the fuck out so i can divulge from this path of self-destruction. It's the truth. Still though i think, if all i offer is a laugh, jokes, and some ridiculously good dancing at the worst of times, i am that bad?

Right now, right fucking now. I'm just a motherfucker stumbling through life from one high to the next envitable let-down.

I just hope my path is a right one.

"The world is round, my square don't fit at all..."

Word Joshua, Word Indeed...

Its all kinda connected...

You see, in this modern age of Face-crack, mobile phones, e-mail address's and an inability to just let fate take hold, we're all connected.

Let's face it, "6 Degrees Of Separation" wouldn't realistically last a day currently. Its more like 6 degrees of photo tagging.

The idea that you're 6 steps away from someone else is in the modern climate...ridiculous. I'm pretty sure there ain't even restraining orders for 6 steps. Some bullshit.

So in the place we're at now, and you know what place we're at now. You're just a photo click away from being connected. So to speak. We all know it. Some random cocksucker and his friend that you planned to insult, but it came out as something nice, takes a photo. Mistaking your insult of "I can't decide who is the bigger cunt?" as "I can't decide how many shitty photo's we should take?" you find that suddenly you're best friends and he wants to rut with your cousin...

I mean really the whole "drunken-night-out-i-think-you're-funny-and-shit" is not really cause for some human connection to be made. Much like that last disappointing lay, it was very much a case of a time, place and intoxication triumvirate, so lets leave it at that motherfucker. Still however people persist to make this mean something. Really?

Because (Bad grammar i know, suck my dick.) thats the position we've allowed ourselves to get into. Since when has this shit mattered? Social politics and economics. If i wanna picture with you, its because i want this moment captured. If i wanna spend the evening drawing you into my murky fucking world i will. Thats because i want some kind of connection.

But please, lets distinguish the two. For me a photograph is a single frame in a single moment of something. Fuck it. I might want it taken to remind myself of a beautiful moment, i might want a reminder of the beast i am. Fuck it. I like it myself, maybe because photographs allow me to put a picture to the hazed memory of vibes that i got from a night out. Maybe.

But i digress. Theres connections everywhere, we don't need Facecrack, Mobile Phones or Digital Memoirs to remind us of where we've been or what we're doing. Sure we like them, and at times it can be sweet.

But those real connections, when people are inexplicably drawn together, an orbit which should not be. They are real connections.

We're all kinda connected...